I’m 26. Wait, What?

So last year on this very same day, I wrote a post for my birthday titled “25 Years Young.”  I found it to be a pretty eye opening experience since it enabled me to catalog my progress up until that point. Last year, I wrote the post because I wanted to capture who I was at that moment.

I read ’25 Years Young’ recently and remembered everything that was happening. How I felt, what I thought, the things I was going through. All brand new as if they hadn’t happened over a year ago.

Today is my 26^th birthday. I’m 26 years OLD. The switch in age categorization is a tacit notion that I am no longer a kid. I’m a grown man. With grown man responsibilities, grown man life changes, and grown man problems.

In crossing this invisible threshold, it would only make sense to look back on what’s happened to me since the last time I’ve revisited this topic.  Looking back will enable me to look forward and hopefully make better decisions.

And the best part? I get to share it with you guys.

So let’s get it started.

LIFE AIN’T NOTHING BUT AN EQ OF HIGHS AND LOWS

I’ve experienced some dizzying highs and some of the lowest points of my life within the last year. The lowest point is probably in the form of my interpersonal relationships with women.

They suck.

And continue to suck.

I discussed a few months ago why I was single.  One thing I probably should have included is

Yeah...I know...you can't believe I'm single either huh?

my need to do a better job of making proper life decisions in that department.  I have the reputation of being sexist (I’m not) a womanizer (unintentional) and a lowkey (highkey depending on who you’re asking) umm…slut.

I’m not going to waste anytime approving/disputing any of these labels. I’m a person with layers. An onion if you will. I mean different things to different people. And…you can’t please everybody.

I dated a woman at the tail end of 2010 that lasted until the beginning of this year. I thought she was really nice and I really wanted to be with her. Then I found out she wasn’t who I thought she was…I won’t go any further than that.

What that particular situation did do however, was make me realize I have an inherently flawed way of characterizing women I wish to spend my time with.

In short, I’m superficial.

Looks are a high priority on my scale for judging women. And apparently not a great indicator of future dating success as I’m almost positive that is precisely how I ended up with not one, but TWO online stalkers this year. One of them broke into my email account and sent private conversations I had with people, and then made them public.

Thankfully, I was able to talk out the issues I had with the people those conversations went to. Unfortunately, those relationships changed.  While I can’t say I’m happy about that, I will say that it enabled me to start communicating actual issues with my friends instead of venting to someone else. Life lessons taught the hard way.

On a positive note, 3 more semesters of law school were completed and I’ll be graduating in about five months. And I finally got a paid writing gig. 

SO MANY DREAMS, SO LITTLE TIME

I want to be a writer am a writer. I actually get paid to write. (Sup Boss Lady!) I’ve always had a passion for writing but it’s always put a tremendous amount of fear in my heart.  I have the chance to be a great writer. With that chance, it also means I have an opportunity to fall directly on my face.

A chance to fail in the most spectacular of fashions.

It’s terrifying.

I basically spent my entire life wanting to be a lawyer and in what could be considered the 11^thhour of my “legal career,” I decided that writing is what makes me the happiest. I’ve always been a person who had a plan. A plan that (allegedly) worked more often times than not.

I’d attribute that to my unwillingness (re: stubbornness) to forgo said plan. I stick to what I said I was going to do, even if there were plenty of opportunities that allowed me to see sticking to that plan may not have been the best idea.

I got these. They don't keep the lights on though.

It’s a fear I’ve been working on all year. I’ve yet to conquer it. I will say that at least admitting the fear and facing it has provided a tremendous amount of self-confidence. For me, fear is about uncertainty and the unknown.  The uncertainty is why I always try to have a plan, despite full knowledge plans rarely go the way I want them to.

Sometimes the fear causes over analysis which leads to me being paralyzed.  So caught up in my own thoughts I’m not sure whether to make a move.  I’ve learned sometimes it’s ok to just go ahead and make the mistake.  There’s a lesson in everything and failure is a better learning tool than success is.

Mediocrity has never satisfied me, so in order to reach the highest plateaus of success (whatever that is), fear will have to be the tool I use to help better me in my pursuit for greatness.

SELF ANALYSIS? SURE, WHY NOT

The psychologist in me chuckled profusely

 I have a four word philosophy. Fuck bitches, get money.

Ok. I’m joking. (Sort of…)

Live and let live.

The ebbs and flows of life are funny. People are here one day, gone the next. You can spend so much time chasing something, only to capture it and realize it wasn’t necessarily what you thought it was (or what you actually wanted in the first place).

At 26, I (still) have absolutely no idea what life is supposed to be about. My grandmother once told me that I needed to not to take life so seriously. That I should stop and smell the roses while enjoying the path I’m walking. A more morbid friend of mine always says “stop taking life so seriously, nobody makes it out alive.”

“Live and let live” is a personal philosophy that allows me to accept people for who they are with the understanding their place in my life is a choice. I don’t force anybody to be friends with me and I don’t feel obligated to be friends with anybody else. That philosophy, I’ve later come to find out, can be a bit…harsh.

I discovered my life philosophy can make it hard for people to emotionally invest in me. After all, why would you want to be friends with someone who explicitly states they aren’t overly concerned with your presence in their life? I love my friends dearly. I don’t always do the proper job of showing it, but I do the best that I can in the ways that I know how. And I had to face facts that 1) I’m not the easiest person to deal with (despite my claims to otherwise) and 2) it’s a two way street.

When I tried to examine it in the grand scheme of things, I realized that the same problems I have with relationships tend to be the same problems I have with friends.

Once, when I was young lad at FSU, someone once said to me “you can’t go through life by yourself. You need people, and people will need you.” I’ve spent a long time learning how to be self-sufficient. No doubt, a result of always looking to others for self-acceptance.

In that respect, I swung from one extreme to the next.  I doubt I’ll ever get to the happy medium, but I do know it’s something I need to do and I have been trying my damnedest to do so.

FINAL THOUGHTS (NO JERRY SPRINGER)

If you somehow made it to this point sans coffee break, a round of applause to you.

If you’re reading this blog for the first time, thank you. If you’ve started reading this year, thank you. If you’ve been reading ever since I started on Facebook, marry me.

Before Maury, there was Jerry. Pay homage.

Kidding. (Unless you’rea cute woman that cooks, and doesn’t mind having a tall, smart ass for a boyfriend *whispers* email me).

All jokes aside, you, the reader, have given something I’m sure every writer has wished for.

You cared enough to read my thoughts. To interact with me. To follow me and RT my links on Twitter. To sign up as an email subscriber. To join my Facebook group.

Your support of my writing is what enabled me to keep going far longer than I had ever planned to. That kind of love and support for something I truly love to do…that, is the greatest gift I could’ve received all year. So for that, thank you.

Stick around though, I promise it’s only going to get better from here.

Peace.

Posted in: Conscious