25 Years Young

Today is my born day. 25 years of age. I wasn’t sure how I was going to feel today. Most birthdays come and go without much fanfare. Except from my 21^st, when I got toasted and threw up all over my red Timberlands. That particular birthday was awesome.

Today is different. I’m sitting in my apartment alone. Both of my roommates left and school is out. I’ll return home for the first time this year. I’m a pool of feelings right now. The word that I keep thinking about the most however, is…

Blessed.

I’m currently in my 2^nd year of law school. I drive a pretty nice car. A car I still have no clue how it gets paid every month. Closet full of clothes and shoes. Commendable, but what I feel I’m the most blessed about is I believe that I’m finally starting to come into my own as a person. And more importantly, as a man.

Plenty of people go through life without ever really questioning anything. Seeking no need for knowledge or self improvement. I’m happy to say that I’m not one of those people. I’m constantly self analyzing, looking for ways to mold myself into the man I always envisioned myself to be. And for him to be more in line with the man I portray myself to be.

I learned that despite all of my mistakes, I’m a man of principle. A person who values his own personal integrity much more than I value the outside opinion of people who don’t understand me. And don’t try to.

Earlier this year, I hit a rough spot. A woman who I loved, I found was not worthy of that love. And I gave her plenty of chances to show her that I could be everything she needed, and I was turned away in a series of events that would assuredly make a great Tyler Perry novel.

A woman who was deserving of my love, I treated as if her presence in my life was a nuisance. I said bad things about her to people I trusted. And those people thought what I was saying was so ridiculous, they decided to tell her what I’d said. And I felt ashamed. A woman who wanted nothing but to see me succeed, I treated as if she was a throwaway. I would like to take this very moment to say to her, that I apologize for every mean thing I’ve ever said. And I’m sorry I didn’t realize your worth while we were together. But I do now. And I appreciate everything you’ve ever done for me.

Most people think I’m an asshole on purpose. Sometimes I am. Most of the times, I’m just speaking my mind in an unfiltered manner and that makes people uncomfortable. I’ve learned that sometimes, I really don’t need to say anything. My thoughts are no more important than the next person, and really, if my opinion isn’t asked for, why should it be offered? You know the saying about opinions, and it is something that I try to keep in mind.

I learned about friendship this year. True friendship. I’ve always been a loyal friend. I’ve paid the price for that loyalty. Though I have been hurt, I will not allow it to dictate how I treat my friends. I just have to make better decisions and recognize that people are who they are, and it’s up to me to decide whether it’s something I’m willing to deal with.

I learned how to take responsibility for my actions. The things I say and do affect people differently and I need to be cognizant of this notion. For whatever reason, the things I say and do are powerful and affect the lives of other people in ways that I cannot begin to imagine. Through my writing, I’ve received comments about my writing that have completely baffled me. People I’ve never met, or will ever meet, write me and tell me how much my word have affected them. It’s a humbling moment each time it happens. I know that everybody on the internet can see what I write, but for someone to take the time to track me down to let me know how it’s changed them for the better. Well…that’s pretty damn awesome.

I learned that my life will go only as far as I allow it. And that I can be the biggest obstacle to my own personal progress. My fears, worries, and uncertainty are only holding me back. I must overcome them to be the best person I can.

I learned that I’m emotional. And not in an out of control way, but I’m very in tune with my feelings. That does not make me weak. Though society says otherwise, a man in tune with his own emotions is capable of handling himself in a variety of different circumstances. Who can claim himself to be a man, when he cannot even understand himself?

Of all the lessons I’ve learned this year, I believe the most important one is how to be by myself. To sit quietly in a room with my thoughts and not feel uncomfortable. To give credence to my thoughts and deal with them. To learn how not to depend on the company of others to make myself content. Realizing that what I’m feeling is ok, and that there is no point in running from those feelings. I spend plenty of time living inside of my head, but I also learned it’s ok to just turn my brain off to enjoy life. I have not yet perfected the last thing, but it is something I’m working on. A good friend I met in the summer taught me that one.

25 years young is a milestone age. No, I’m not exactly where I thought I’d be. My plan didn’t go exactly the way I thought it would, however, when it’s all said and done I will be everything I ever hoped I could be, and plenty more than that.

And quite frankly that, to me, is the greatest gift I’ve ever been given.

Peace.

 

Posted in: Conscious